Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
