What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
