Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
