you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
