I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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