wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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