we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
if i died would you start the facebook group?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
