They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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