I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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