At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I want to make a zoo with you.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
it glows. i had to have it.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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