What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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