Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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