i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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