I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
