So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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