I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
