i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
