You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
