My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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