ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
