Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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