I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
