don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
