weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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