I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
