dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
