Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
