I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I'm lost and stupid without you.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
