I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
