So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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