he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
