My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
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