I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
