your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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