I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
