I look better un-naked...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
