ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
