hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
jump out the window naked night went bad
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