Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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