hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
