Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
