I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
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