his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
So apparently I’m into choking now
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