i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
