you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
