I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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