peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
