i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
