Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
