I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
